How To Hire A DJ For Your Wedding

Hiring music entertainment can arguably be the most important booking made for your wedding. Guests remember whether or not they had fun at your wedding. What you pay for is what you get is a good rule of thumb. However, I would like to educate the consumer, future brides and grooms, of how to hire a DJ and things to consider. The following are 9 important factors to consider when hiring a disc jockey BEFORE you sign the contract.

1. Who would be the DJ for your occasion? Many DJ companies are a multi-system operation. Be sure to have in writing of who your DJ will be at your event. I would recommend meeting your DJ before hiring the company at a neutral place, like a restaurant.

2. How many years experience does your DJ have with your type of function? Anyone can pretend to be a DJ. If you are having a formal event, does your DJ know how to organize a wedding reception or a grand entrance? The DJ should perform the type of show that you want!

3. Does the DJ get everyone involved dancing or do they just play music? You have to ask yourself if you want a DJ that will get everyone dancing? For example, will the DJ involve guests by playing and conducting motivational dances like the Chicken Dance, Hokey Pokey, Cha Cha Slide or just play music?

4. Will the DJ be dressed appropriately? Formal means tuxedo or dress. Semi-formal means dress pants, shirt & tie or slacks and blouse. Casual means polo shirt or company shirt. Be sure the DJ is dressed appropriately during set-up and takedown of equipment. Some guests do arrive early and stay late.

5. What is the DJ's fee? How much is overtime? Is a tip included in the fee? Will there be an extra charge for lighting-what does the lighting include? How much is travel to your location? Are you ONLY paying for the time the DJ performs?

6. Does the DJ include a contract? Be sure to have all details of your function in writing. The DJ must know the date, place, and time! You must know each other's names and phone numbers including the DAY of the occasion.

7. Is the DJ company professional? This may sound silly, but does the DJ have insurance? Accidents do happen. It's better to be prepared. Also, is the DJ a member of a national DJ association like ADJA or NAME? If they are, then they care about what they do and are a better chance of being professional.

8. What kind of equipment does the DJ use? Typically, if a DJ is using a brand of equipment you can buy at your local retail store, then that's what you will get. Excellent brand names include: JBL, Community, Denon, Gemini, QSC, Crown, etc. Always, and I mean always, ask if the DJ has back-up equipment WITH them for your function. Also, be sure the DJ brings the right amount of sound for the number of guests expected.

9. What music do you play? How many music selections will the DJ have WITH them? Be sure your DJ takes requests before and during your function. Also, give them a guideline of what you want played. However, this is what the DJ is paid to do. Don't limit the DJ by saying you want all of one kind of music or a list of 100 songs they must play. The best scenario is to play any type of music that gets people dancing and having fun. By the way, it should be understood the DJ does not play any offensive music.

I hope this helps!

How to Choose a Pearl Necklace for Your Wedding Day

The elegant beauty of a strand of pearls has fascinated brides for centuries. People believe that wearing pearls on their wedding day will bring bliss to their marriage.

Pearls are classic wedding jewelry. How do you choose that perfect pearl necklace?

Here are some tips:

There are four types of pearls:Akoya pearls, Tahitian pearls, SouthSea pearls, and freshwater pearls. Akoya, Tahitian and South Sea pearls grow in oceans. They are more valuable than freshwater pearls for their rarity and high luster.

Akoya pearls are the most popular. These pearls are valued for their rich color, mirror-like finish,and appealing roundness.

As with any other gemstones, the value of pearls is determined by their quality.

A pearl's quality can be A, AA, AA+, AAA, AAA+. The last two, AAA and AAA+ pearls, have the best quality and they are most valuable. For pearls of the same size, an 'A' quality pearl necklace costs only a small fraction of AAA quality pearl necklace.

The quality and value of pearls are based upon six criteria: luster, nacre, surface, color, shape, size and matching. The educated buyer uses his or her preferences to decide which criteria are most important.

Nacre: Most buyers of pearl jewelry pay most attention to the pearls' nacre thickness. Nacre is the coating that a pearl oyster produces to cover the pearl's nucleus; it is the key to how long pearls last. You should look for pearls with nacre thickness over 0.4mm.

Luster and Surface: Luster is the amount of light reflected from the pearl's surface. A strand of pearls with high luster, mirror finish and clean surfaces is most desirable and valuable.

Color: It is a personal choice. Consider buying a pearl necklace whose color will complement your clothing and your skin tone.

Size: The price of pearls that are larger than 7mm varies greatly. People usually buy the largest pearls they can afford.

Shape: Round pearls are most desirable and valuable.

Matching: For a pearl necklace or bracelet, matching refers to the ways in which all of the pearls are similar. It is difficult to find enough identical pearls to make a well-matched pearl necklace; therefore such a necklace commands a top price.

After you have decided the type, color, size and quality of pearls that you want, think about your budget. Take your time to shop around and find that perfect pearl necklace for your wedding day! Provided by Premiumpearl.com.

How To Hire A DJ For Your Wedding

Hiring music entertainment can arguably be the most important booking made for your wedding. Guests remember whether or not they had fun at your wedding. What you pay for is what you get is a good rule of thumb. However, I would like to educate the consumer, future brides and grooms, of how to hire a DJ and things to consider. The following are 9 important factors to consider when hiring a disc jockey BEFORE you sign the contract.

1. Who would be the DJ for your occasion? Many DJ companies are a multi-system operation. Be sure to have in writing of who your DJ will be at your event. I would recommend meeting your DJ before hiring the company at a neutral place, like a restaurant.

2. How many years experience does your DJ have with your type of function? Anyone can pretend to be a DJ. If you are having a formal event, does your DJ know how to organize a wedding reception or a grand entrance? The DJ should perform the type of show that you want!

3. Does the DJ get everyone involved dancing or do they just play music? You have to ask yourself if you want a DJ that will get everyone dancing? For example, will the DJ involve guests by playing and conducting motivational dances like the Chicken Dance, Hokey Pokey, Cha Cha Slide or just play music?

4. Will the DJ be dressed appropriately? Formal means tuxedo or dress. Semi-formal means dress pants, shirt & tie or slacks and blouse. Casual means polo shirt or company shirt. Be sure the DJ is dressed appropriately during set-up and takedown of equipment. Some guests do arrive early and stay late.

5. What is the DJ's fee? How much is overtime? Is a tip included in the fee? Will there be an extra charge for lighting-what does the lighting include? How much is travel to your location? Are you ONLY paying for the time the DJ performs?

6. Does the DJ include a contract? Be sure to have all details of your function in writing. The DJ must know the date, place, and time! You must know each other's names and phone numbers including the DAY of the occasion.

7. Is the DJ company professional? This may sound silly, but does the DJ have insurance? Accidents do happen. It's better to be prepared. Also, is the DJ a member of a national DJ association like ADJA or NAME? If they are, then they care about what they do and are a better chance of being professional.

8. What kind of equipment does the DJ use? Typically, if a DJ is using a brand of equipment you can buy at your local retail store, then that's what you will get. Excellent brand names include: JBL, Community, Denon, Gemini, QSC, Crown, etc. Always, and I mean always, ask if the DJ has back-up equipment WITH them for your function. Also, be sure the DJ brings the right amount of sound for the number of guests expected.

9. What music do you play? How many music selections will the DJ have WITH them? Be sure your DJ takes requests before and during your function. Also, give them a guideline of what you want played. However, this is what the DJ is paid to do. Don't limit the DJ by saying you want all of one kind of music or a list of 100 songs they must play. The best scenario is to play any type of music that gets people dancing and having fun. By the way, it should be understood the DJ does not play any offensive music.

I hope this helps!

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.

That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."

An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity - to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.

Thoughts from Deik and Kim's Wedding, for You and Your Marriage

Deik and Kim, remember that marriage is a COVENANT relationship. It is not merely a contract of convenience, nor a promise to live together as long as each still feels good about the other. It is a COVENANT to love and care for each other until parted by death, or until the coming of our Lord. Throughout history, covenants have been made between Nations, between Kings and their subjects, between individuals (as in marriage), and even between God and Man. When such a covenant was established, there were rights and duties on both sides, and the covenants were sealed by gifts, by a kiss, by a handshake, or by the sharing of a common meal. Today, as DEIK and KIM make their COVENANT of marriage to each other, you will see and enjoy these elements: · they will hold each other's hands, · they will give each other their gifts of rings, · they will kiss to seal the covenant, · and they will invite you to share a meal together with them at the reception. All because their Marriage is a covenant relationship of love and faith. To put this in context, back in Genesis, after the Fall of Mankind, when God was declaring His judgments, and passing out the consequences for the deception and the sin, He pointed out that one of the consequences of a fallen human nature would be that husbands and wives would have conflict in their marriage relationships, as wife would seek to take over the husband's leadership position, and the husband would respond to the challenge forcefully. God pointed out to Eve, with Adam right there listening, that, "Your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you." Now our first thought might be that God is telling Eve that she will have a pure love and desire for her husband, but that he will be some cave man and just want to be the boss, ruling over his wife. But that is not the sense of what God is saying. God uses the exact same phrase, the same words, when he is speaking to Cain in Genesis Chapter Four and warns him that, "Sin is crouching at your door, and seeks to devour you, but you must master it." What God is saying to Eve is that she will seek to conquer her husband, but that he will respond by mastering, or ruling over her. As a consequence for their sin, they will not have the loving marriage relationship that God had originally intended for them to enjoy. Now, fast forward several thousand years, and God gives us the remedy for this problem in marriage. In Ephesians chapters Four and Five, St. Paul gives us great instruction on how we should live in society as Christians, what our attitudes and behaviors should be, how we should treat each other. He begins this section with these words, "I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling that you have received. Be 100% humble, and gentle. Be patient with each other and make allowances for each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace." He continues with other powerful, life-changing instructions. And then comes to the place of addressing this specific problem with marriages that we just talked about. God's remedy for the problem caused by Eve's self-centeredness, that the wife would "desire to conquer" her husband, is this... Paul writes... "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Submission is God's remedy for a heart that seeks to be in charge and be in control.

Then, Paul addresses the husband's response of wanting to forcefully rule over his wife. God's remedy for this is... "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and willingly suffered and died for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

His summary is... "... each one of you husbands must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Paul is telling husbands that they are not to rule over their wives, but rather that a husband is to love his bride in the same way that Christ loves His Bride, the Church. And that each husband is to be preparing his bride for eternity in Heaven. So Kim, I challenge you to not allow your "inner Eve" to try to conquer Deik, but instead willingly submit to him, in the same way that Christ submitted to the Father, and work with him as the partner and lover that God always intended a bride to be for her husband. And Deik, I challenge you to love Kim with the same intensity of self-sacrificing love that Christ has for his bride, the Church - never seeking to dominate her, but rather always working to prepare Kim for eternity. And I challenge you both as a couple, to use your marriage to bless others, and to proclaim to others that "God is Love."

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.

That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."

An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity - to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.

Thoughts from Deik and Kim's Wedding, for You and Your Marriage

Deik and Kim, remember that marriage is a COVENANT relationship. It is not merely a contract of convenience, nor a promise to live together as long as each still feels good about the other. It is a COVENANT to love and care for each other until parted by death, or until the coming of our Lord. Throughout history, covenants have been made between Nations, between Kings and their subjects, between individuals (as in marriage), and even between God and Man. When such a covenant was established, there were rights and duties on both sides, and the covenants were sealed by gifts, by a kiss, by a handshake, or by the sharing of a common meal. Today, as DEIK and KIM make their COVENANT of marriage to each other, you will see and enjoy these elements: · they will hold each other's hands, · they will give each other their gifts of rings, · they will kiss to seal the covenant, · and they will invite you to share a meal together with them at the reception. All because their Marriage is a covenant relationship of love and faith. To put this in context, back in Genesis, after the Fall of Mankind, when God was declaring His judgments, and passing out the consequences for the deception and the sin, He pointed out that one of the consequences of a fallen human nature would be that husbands and wives would have conflict in their marriage relationships, as wife would seek to take over the husband's leadership position, and the husband would respond to the challenge forcefully. God pointed out to Eve, with Adam right there listening, that, "Your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you." Now our first thought might be that God is telling Eve that she will have a pure love and desire for her husband, but that he will be some cave man and just want to be the boss, ruling over his wife. But that is not the sense of what God is saying. God uses the exact same phrase, the same words, when he is speaking to Cain in Genesis Chapter Four and warns him that, "Sin is crouching at your door, and seeks to devour you, but you must master it." What God is saying to Eve is that she will seek to conquer her husband, but that he will respond by mastering, or ruling over her. As a consequence for their sin, they will not have the loving marriage relationship that God had originally intended for them to enjoy. Now, fast forward several thousand years, and God gives us the remedy for this problem in marriage. In Ephesians chapters Four and Five, St. Paul gives us great instruction on how we should live in society as Christians, what our attitudes and behaviors should be, how we should treat each other. He begins this section with these words, "I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling that you have received. Be 100% humble, and gentle. Be patient with each other and make allowances for each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace." He continues with other powerful, life-changing instructions. And then comes to the place of addressing this specific problem with marriages that we just talked about. God's remedy for the problem caused by Eve's self-centeredness, that the wife would "desire to conquer" her husband, is this... Paul writes... "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Submission is God's remedy for a heart that seeks to be in charge and be in control.

Then, Paul addresses the husband's response of wanting to forcefully rule over his wife. God's remedy for this is... "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and willingly suffered and died for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

His summary is... "... each one of you husbands must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Paul is telling husbands that they are not to rule over their wives, but rather that a husband is to love his bride in the same way that Christ loves His Bride, the Church. And that each husband is to be preparing his bride for eternity in Heaven. So Kim, I challenge you to not allow your "inner Eve" to try to conquer Deik, but instead willingly submit to him, in the same way that Christ submitted to the Father, and work with him as the partner and lover that God always intended a bride to be for her husband. And Deik, I challenge you to love Kim with the same intensity of self-sacrificing love that Christ has for his bride, the Church - never seeking to dominate her, but rather always working to prepare Kim for eternity. And I challenge you both as a couple, to use your marriage to bless others, and to proclaim to others that "God is Love."

A Tale of Two Weddings

Families today are spread all over the globe. When it comes to planning a wedding and including the family in the decisions, what would we do without the help of computers?. Wedding plans without the advantage of the Internet and email would be a long, difficult process.

To get my point across, let's visit the homes of Miss Modern and Miss Pre-Computer as they prepare for their special days:

Miss Modern has an idea of the venue she would like for her wedding and spends an evening doing research on the Internet. She looks at pictures of different halls, along with prices, menus, and features included. After deciding on three possibilities, she emails to ask if they will be available on the wedding date. One hall is booked, so Miss M. and her future husband will go to see both halls before making a final decision. Communication and menu changes are done by email.

Miss M. designs a database for her guest list. Additions and changes are easily made. Invitations are created using special wedding software and elegant blank cards. Easy, attractive and inexpensive.

Again using the database and a signature font, Miss M. creates mailing labels (using transparent labels) for 200 people in less than an hour. To create personalized reply cards, she uses mail merge and the computer inserts names on each card.

A relative in another country would like photos of the couple for a special wedding gift. Using a digital camera, the photos are taken and emailed in plenty of time for the gift to be made.

There are constant questions from the guests about accommodation nearby, what is everyone wearing, what do the young couple need? Emails answer many of the questions and guests are given a website for the bridal registry. Items still needed are listed here, can be purchased without leaving home and will be delivered to the reception. This is a big help to people coming from a distance.

Miss Modern relaxes while she and her future husband look at honeymoon spots - on the Internet of course. There is even an option to allow their guests to see the desired destination and give the gift of a cash contribution toward the trip!

Miss Pre- Computer, on the other hand, has had a headache for days. Too many things to do and not enough time.

After weekends spent looking at various halls, she and her fiance can't take it any longer and book the next one they visit.

The guest list has been typed out, but some important people were missed and there are duplicates on the list. Miss Pre-C is not a fast typist when she's stressed, so has to re-do the 200 guest list a number of times before it's right.

Her days are constantly interrupted by phone calls from guests with questions about the wedding. The long distance bill is growing every day.

A friend recommends a good printer for invitations, but he is out of town, and another search begins. After more stress filled days, the printer is arranged.

When the invitations finally arrive, they are beautiful, so Miss Pre-C begins addressing the 200 envelopes. Never praised for her handwriting, the last of the envelopes is barely readable. She decides to try again tomorrow.

Relatives need pictures of the couple for a special gift. The photos are mailed and after frantic calls to the post office, are finally delivered, too late to use.

More long distance calls so gifts aren't duplicated.

A frantic call from Gramma at the border. Customs officials are questioning her and are taking apart the gifts. Through her tears, Gramma explains that the 50 items had been individually wrapped.

Miss Pre-C takes a deep breath and considers eloping.

P.S. If you still need convincing, my son met his bride on the Internet. After five years, they are still happily married.

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.

That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."

An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity - to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.

A Summer Wedding

The sunshine had come out to ensure the wedding of footballer Benji and his wife-to-be Sabine had the perfect backdrop. For the month before the excitement had been growing amongst the players and supporters of St Cernin de l'Herm, a village in the south west of France, as the day came ever closer. We had already been out for a meal and made the bride and groom walk around the restaurant whilst eating a banana - with no hands. A large poster of the team picture had been printed and everyone had signed it and written a good luck message. So by Saturday afternoon the junction of the small crossroads in Frayssinet-le-Gélet was busy with people waiting for Benji and Sabine to walk by.

In France many wedding ceremonies will take place in the village Mairie and then move on to the local church for a blessing. And we were lucky that the two buildings were close by so that a short procession through the village could take place. As we waited friends spread out cuttings from roses and other bushes across the pavement on the route the bride and groom would take to the church. This is meant to bring the couple good luck and fortune and in other areas of France neighbours will lay down sheaves of corn. Then the moment arrived as the couple stood at the top of the steps outside the Mairie and slowly made their way to the church, escorted by their parents.

Traffic came to a standstill as the procession of guests followed behind and walked the 150 meters to the church. In the afternoon sunshine people slowly made their way into the church filling up the pews and taking up positions in the aisle for the chance to take a picture. Once everyone was inside, and we must have numbered 200 or more, the bride and groom slowly made their way through the church.

Camera flashes lit up the dark entranceway as the couple made their way along the aisle; the organist played a tune that softly filled the church. The priest opened the blessing with a short passage from the bible and then Sabine walked up to the microphone to deliver a short speech. She thanked the many people that had turned up to see the bride and groom and that it had been an incredible day. Then the priest delivered a short prayer and a musical interlude with saxophone and accordion was played. The ceremony of the passing of the rings was undertaken with the assistance of the son of Sabine and Benji. He carried the rings up to the alter of the church in a small, padded heart shaped bag and passed them to the priest. The couple spoke a few words and placed the rings on each other's fingers as the cameras again flashed a whirred. Everyone then began to make their way out of the church waiting for the bride and groom to stand outside the church for some more photographs. But the players of St Cernin had one more trick up their shirts as we donned our kit and picked up a football each.

We made a guard of honour outside the church and held a ball high over the guests as they made their way out into the village square. But it was Benji and Sabine who everyone was waiting for. People passed around rice and confetti waiting for them to leave the church and run under the footballs, as they did the place exploded. The church bell tolled and rice cascaded down on our heads covering the players and the newly married couple from head to toe. Then it was time for more photographs, car horns sounding and the children throwing rice and confetti at each other. As the day drifted into late afternoon it was time for a small aperitif and a few nibbles in the grounds of the Mairie. Watching the sun slowly slide behind the church tower as the celebrations moved on into the night.

Thoughts from Deik and Kim's Wedding, for You and Your Marriage

Deik and Kim, remember that marriage is a COVENANT relationship. It is not merely a contract of convenience, nor a promise to live together as long as each still feels good about the other. It is a COVENANT to love and care for each other until parted by death, or until the coming of our Lord. Throughout history, covenants have been made between Nations, between Kings and their subjects, between individuals (as in marriage), and even between God and Man. When such a covenant was established, there were rights and duties on both sides, and the covenants were sealed by gifts, by a kiss, by a handshake, or by the sharing of a common meal. Today, as DEIK and KIM make their COVENANT of marriage to each other, you will see and enjoy these elements: · they will hold each other's hands, · they will give each other their gifts of rings, · they will kiss to seal the covenant, · and they will invite you to share a meal together with them at the reception. All because their Marriage is a covenant relationship of love and faith. To put this in context, back in Genesis, after the Fall of Mankind, when God was declaring His judgments, and passing out the consequences for the deception and the sin, He pointed out that one of the consequences of a fallen human nature would be that husbands and wives would have conflict in their marriage relationships, as wife would seek to take over the husband's leadership position, and the husband would respond to the challenge forcefully. God pointed out to Eve, with Adam right there listening, that, "Your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you." Now our first thought might be that God is telling Eve that she will have a pure love and desire for her husband, but that he will be some cave man and just want to be the boss, ruling over his wife. But that is not the sense of what God is saying. God uses the exact same phrase, the same words, when he is speaking to Cain in Genesis Chapter Four and warns him that, "Sin is crouching at your door, and seeks to devour you, but you must master it." What God is saying to Eve is that she will seek to conquer her husband, but that he will respond by mastering, or ruling over her. As a consequence for their sin, they will not have the loving marriage relationship that God had originally intended for them to enjoy. Now, fast forward several thousand years, and God gives us the remedy for this problem in marriage. In Ephesians chapters Four and Five, St. Paul gives us great instruction on how we should live in society as Christians, what our attitudes and behaviors should be, how we should treat each other. He begins this section with these words, "I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling that you have received. Be 100% humble, and gentle. Be patient with each other and make allowances for each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace." He continues with other powerful, life-changing instructions. And then comes to the place of addressing this specific problem with marriages that we just talked about. God's remedy for the problem caused by Eve's self-centeredness, that the wife would "desire to conquer" her husband, is this... Paul writes... "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Submission is God's remedy for a heart that seeks to be in charge and be in control.

Then, Paul addresses the husband's response of wanting to forcefully rule over his wife. God's remedy for this is... "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and willingly suffered and died for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

His summary is... "... each one of you husbands must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Paul is telling husbands that they are not to rule over their wives, but rather that a husband is to love his bride in the same way that Christ loves His Bride, the Church. And that each husband is to be preparing his bride for eternity in Heaven. So Kim, I challenge you to not allow your "inner Eve" to try to conquer Deik, but instead willingly submit to him, in the same way that Christ submitted to the Father, and work with him as the partner and lover that God always intended a bride to be for her husband. And Deik, I challenge you to love Kim with the same intensity of self-sacrificing love that Christ has for his bride, the Church - never seeking to dominate her, but rather always working to prepare Kim for eternity. And I challenge you both as a couple, to use your marriage to bless others, and to proclaim to others that "God is Love."

Thoughts from Deik and Kim's Wedding, for You and Your Marriage

Deik and Kim, remember that marriage is a COVENANT relationship. It is not merely a contract of convenience, nor a promise to live together as long as each still feels good about the other. It is a COVENANT to love and care for each other until parted by death, or until the coming of our Lord. Throughout history, covenants have been made between Nations, between Kings and their subjects, between individuals (as in marriage), and even between God and Man. When such a covenant was established, there were rights and duties on both sides, and the covenants were sealed by gifts, by a kiss, by a handshake, or by the sharing of a common meal. Today, as DEIK and KIM make their COVENANT of marriage to each other, you will see and enjoy these elements: · they will hold each other's hands, · they will give each other their gifts of rings, · they will kiss to seal the covenant, · and they will invite you to share a meal together with them at the reception. All because their Marriage is a covenant relationship of love and faith. To put this in context, back in Genesis, after the Fall of Mankind, when God was declaring His judgments, and passing out the consequences for the deception and the sin, He pointed out that one of the consequences of a fallen human nature would be that husbands and wives would have conflict in their marriage relationships, as wife would seek to take over the husband's leadership position, and the husband would respond to the challenge forcefully. God pointed out to Eve, with Adam right there listening, that, "Your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you." Now our first thought might be that God is telling Eve that she will have a pure love and desire for her husband, but that he will be some cave man and just want to be the boss, ruling over his wife. But that is not the sense of what God is saying. God uses the exact same phrase, the same words, when he is speaking to Cain in Genesis Chapter Four and warns him that, "Sin is crouching at your door, and seeks to devour you, but you must master it." What God is saying to Eve is that she will seek to conquer her husband, but that he will respond by mastering, or ruling over her. As a consequence for their sin, they will not have the loving marriage relationship that God had originally intended for them to enjoy. Now, fast forward several thousand years, and God gives us the remedy for this problem in marriage. In Ephesians chapters Four and Five, St. Paul gives us great instruction on how we should live in society as Christians, what our attitudes and behaviors should be, how we should treat each other. He begins this section with these words, "I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling that you have received. Be 100% humble, and gentle. Be patient with each other and make allowances for each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace." He continues with other powerful, life-changing instructions. And then comes to the place of addressing this specific problem with marriages that we just talked about. God's remedy for the problem caused by Eve's self-centeredness, that the wife would "desire to conquer" her husband, is this... Paul writes... "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Submission is God's remedy for a heart that seeks to be in charge and be in control.

Then, Paul addresses the husband's response of wanting to forcefully rule over his wife. God's remedy for this is... "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and willingly suffered and died for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

His summary is... "... each one of you husbands must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Paul is telling husbands that they are not to rule over their wives, but rather that a husband is to love his bride in the same way that Christ loves His Bride, the Church. And that each husband is to be preparing his bride for eternity in Heaven. So Kim, I challenge you to not allow your "inner Eve" to try to conquer Deik, but instead willingly submit to him, in the same way that Christ submitted to the Father, and work with him as the partner and lover that God always intended a bride to be for her husband. And Deik, I challenge you to love Kim with the same intensity of self-sacrificing love that Christ has for his bride, the Church - never seeking to dominate her, but rather always working to prepare Kim for eternity. And I challenge you both as a couple, to use your marriage to bless others, and to proclaim to others that "God is Love."

How To Hire A DJ For Your Wedding

Hiring music entertainment can arguably be the most important booking made for your wedding. Guests remember whether or not they had fun at your wedding. What you pay for is what you get is a good rule of thumb. However, I would like to educate the consumer, future brides and grooms, of how to hire a DJ and things to consider. The following are 9 important factors to consider when hiring a disc jockey BEFORE you sign the contract.

1. Who would be the DJ for your occasion? Many DJ companies are a multi-system operation. Be sure to have in writing of who your DJ will be at your event. I would recommend meeting your DJ before hiring the company at a neutral place, like a restaurant.

2. How many years experience does your DJ have with your type of function? Anyone can pretend to be a DJ. If you are having a formal event, does your DJ know how to organize a wedding reception or a grand entrance? The DJ should perform the type of show that you want!

3. Does the DJ get everyone involved dancing or do they just play music? You have to ask yourself if you want a DJ that will get everyone dancing? For example, will the DJ involve guests by playing and conducting motivational dances like the Chicken Dance, Hokey Pokey, Cha Cha Slide or just play music?

4. Will the DJ be dressed appropriately? Formal means tuxedo or dress. Semi-formal means dress pants, shirt & tie or slacks and blouse. Casual means polo shirt or company shirt. Be sure the DJ is dressed appropriately during set-up and takedown of equipment. Some guests do arrive early and stay late.

5. What is the DJ's fee? How much is overtime? Is a tip included in the fee? Will there be an extra charge for lighting-what does the lighting include? How much is travel to your location? Are you ONLY paying for the time the DJ performs?

6. Does the DJ include a contract? Be sure to have all details of your function in writing. The DJ must know the date, place, and time! You must know each other's names and phone numbers including the DAY of the occasion.

7. Is the DJ company professional? This may sound silly, but does the DJ have insurance? Accidents do happen. It's better to be prepared. Also, is the DJ a member of a national DJ association like ADJA or NAME? If they are, then they care about what they do and are a better chance of being professional.

8. What kind of equipment does the DJ use? Typically, if a DJ is using a brand of equipment you can buy at your local retail store, then that's what you will get. Excellent brand names include: JBL, Community, Denon, Gemini, QSC, Crown, etc. Always, and I mean always, ask if the DJ has back-up equipment WITH them for your function. Also, be sure the DJ brings the right amount of sound for the number of guests expected.

9. What music do you play? How many music selections will the DJ have WITH them? Be sure your DJ takes requests before and during your function. Also, give them a guideline of what you want played. However, this is what the DJ is paid to do. Don't limit the DJ by saying you want all of one kind of music or a list of 100 songs they must play. The best scenario is to play any type of music that gets people dancing and having fun. By the way, it should be understood the DJ does not play any offensive music.

I hope this helps!

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.

That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."

An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity - to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.

That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."

An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity - to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.